I still will remain
by lillinfields
Summary: He was trying to deny that in the here and now he was the one on the bottom of things.


Title: I still will remain

Day: 10

Author: Lil Jei

Fandom: NCIS/CSI NY

Pairing: Gibbs/Mac Taylor

Word Ct: 1000+

Rating: PG 13

Prompt: For n3_slashchat . Alpha males (alpha/beta male pairings; alpha/alpha pairings)

Kink: Was it love or lust?

Disclaimer: The shows and characters are so not mine---just the crazy stuff. And I so don't mean to malign the military lifestyle…The fic is Un'Beta'd too. And I'm futzing with timelines. Gibbs was a Gunny at the boot-camp where Mac began his Marine career.

Summary: He was trying to deny that in the here and now he was the one on the bottom of things.

2009

Staring into the mirror he wanted to scream. He hadn't been this edgy in years. It was long before Claire, before the towers, hell before Iraq. No matter how far removed he tried to make himself he was always brought back to something simple. It was the story of his life really. He'd fight it and fight it, but damn if wrong didn't love his company. He felt haunted by it really.

He'd spent his life searching for it, that special something that would take it all away. He didn't want to admit this need to anyone, especially those he loved. But good god if the need wasn't getting worse. Just walking into work made him want to curl up and find a corner to hide away in. He didn't want to do this anymore.

Claire had always known there was something else between them. She'd accused him time and time again of cheating, of stepping out on her. He never could tell her the truth. Not that he regretted it, this need within him was just something his love would never have understood. She would have found him disgusting. Just like he did, he found himself torn on his best days. On his worst days, that was a whole 'nother ballgame. He didn't go a day without looking in the mirror and staring in disgust. But on those really bad days, where nightmares and needs merged into one massive fuck up of his life, he wanted to die.

It was years ago that all this crap started. Before the Marines he never would have contemplated anything other than a normal life, a normal wife, and lots of normal sex. But the Marines way of life was enough to change even the strongest willed man. The tension, the stress, the environment of war and waiting led to a lot of changes in how Mac had seen the world. As an eighteen year old, pimply faced, raw recruit; things had gone haywire when he had met one man and one man alone. He could still remember the electricity he felt when he had first caught a glimpse of Gunnery Sgt. Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

1979

It had all been going so well for him, he was a PFC in the Marines and boot camp hadn't been too terrible and was finally over. Well for him at least, he's seen some doozies of reactions from his fellow soldiers, but he felt humbled to be there. That feeling alone had been enough to make him behave. For once he had made his family proud of him. They were worried of course, one war had just ended and another was on the horizon, but Mac couldn't bring himself to be concerned. Where his country sent him, he'd go, and go with pride.

And here, at Parris Island he'd like to think he grew up some. Maturity in mind and body was the very least that boot camp required from a soldier. And he knew his body had grown and changed at the very least. He'd seen his family for the first time in weeks and they had certainly remarked on that, among many things. But it wasn't his family or his fellow Marines that had him feeling overly scrutinized this time, it was the Marine he'd actually bumped into during chow yesterday.

What a time to have been distracted Mac thought to himself. He'd just gotten back from leave, gotten his new assignment and had been relieved by it. And by him thinking such happy thoughts, he had been responsible for his (very slight and embarrassing) downfall. He'd walked into the mess hall and hadn't been watching where he was going in line and had backed into someone. That wasn't what had been embarrassing though, externally he'd apologized, maintained composure, and saluted etc. But internally he about fell over.

He'd turned around and seen a very stern and formidable glare. The man was a god, one that had made him weak in the knees and desperate for saliva. He'd never felt such a reaction. He'd been struck dumb and then passed by, with barely a second glance. His buddies had said he'd been lucky, that the Gunny could have stripped him bare and then killed him within seconds. That wasn't the luck that had Mac panting in heat from the dream/nightmare he just woke from. The kind of luck that he wanted from Gunny wasn't something he had ever felt before.

The feelings the man evoked in Mac was startling. He felt this sheer, sweaty, and sexually arousing and heart arresting need to fall to his knees and just beg. He wanted to beg for anything and everything from the man. He had never wanted someone's attention so badly, he didn't know what to do, where to go. He couldn't talk to his buddies. Mac knew with a grim acceptance that nothing could or would ever happen. This feeling within him would just have to be pushed aside. And as he wiped the sweat and spent semen away from his legs he quickly moved and heaved over the side of his bunk at the very thought. He couldn't let this need go but knew that he couldn't accept it. Not if he wanted to be a soldier, not if he wanted to make his family proud, and not if he wanted to be normal.

2009

And it was those memories that brought him to his bathroom sink at 4 a.m. He'd had the same dream again, the same need to be held, protected, and dominated. It had been one touch, one look, and one rush of feelings years ago that kept him up at nights. But it wasn't just the past that had him aroused and ashamed, it was the reality. His daydreams had come crashing to a halt just a week ago. His reality had been altered and he didn't know how to stop the pain anymore. There was no sensual beauty or torturous temptation left anymore, he was trying to hold onto what was real now, it was all he could do.

It was in the here and now that he'd seen the Gunny on a recent case, on a street corner shouting into his phone. He'd been trying to countermand and undermine the NYPD but he had failed. It had stayed a NY case and one that Mac had actually had authority over. It had physically hurt him to tell his fantasy man no. And after the case had been solved, it had almost killed him when he walked in on Gunny and 2IC kissing like there was no tomorrow.

After all that had passed; the nightmare and the sweats that haunted him, to find out the truth was devastating. He felt like he'd been lost all these years. His whole world had come down to the constant need within him. And to find out that he could have had his wish all those years ago, it had pulled everything out from under him. His dreams were never reality, never had been really. And if his current love life was any indication, never would be. The best he could do was suck up that courage he once had and move on. He would always wonder but hopefully he would never need again. He was more determined than ever before, it would never trump him again.


End file.
